Consumers will soon be billed for losses incurred while playing Windows Solitaire, a Microsoft Corporation spokesman announced today.
"The terms of service (TOS) agreement presented to the user upon installation of any Windows product clearly indicates that they will be held responsible for 'monetary losses incurred' while using the game," said the spokesman.
The Windows Solitaire game, designed by Wes Cherry, has been a standard feature of Windows since Windows version 3.1, released in 1989. The game remains a favorite time-wasting activity for lazy employees and for bored home users waiting for multi-megabyte MP3 files to download over slow modem connections.
Beginning August 1st, all Windows-based computers in the United States began transmitting a small file to Microsoft's headquarters, indicating the amount owed and the name and address of the computer's owner. Microsoft says it plans to follow up with home visits for computers not connected to the Internet, with warrants if necessary.
"Whenever Windows Solitaire is played using 'gambling-style scoring' the program keeps track of the amount of money lost. Now we are collecting on those debts," the spokesman explained.
Outraged users across the country immediately consulted their TOS agreement, most for the first time. Many were unable to comprehend more than a few paragraphs before becoming lost in the legal terminology. Others tried finding help on Microsoft's vacuous and poorly organized web site, www.microsoft.com. Company switchboards were jammed all day.
Microsoft president Paul Allen defended Microsoft's decision, saying, "We have the legal right to collect these funds. Any user who has installed Windows had to agree to our terms. It's not our fault if they didn't consult a lawyer before clicking on the 'I Agree' button."
Allen indicated that Microsoft's action was largely based on recent United States Department of Justice action taken against the company. "If the DOJ wants to manipulate antitrust law to try to hurt us and the consumer, we can play hardball too."
He added, "We'll need these funds to defend ourselves in court against these baseless claims that Microsoft is a monopoly."
The company gave no indication of how much money it expected to collect. Estimates of the total owed Microsoft range from $300 million to over $2 billion.
Former CEO and world's richest man Bill Gates also applauded Microsoft's announcement. "We've given our users over a decade to run a tab, but now it's time that we collect on the debts we are so rightly owed," Gates said in a telephone interview from his multi-million dollar smart-house outside Redmond.
When asked if users could delete the game from Windows, Gates emphatically stated, "No, Microsoft Windows Solitaire is an essential part of the Windows operating system, and cannot be removed without damaging the integrity of the system."
And will Microsoft be sending checks to users who have credit balances on their solitaire accounts? Not according to Gates. "First of all, there's nothing in the TOS that says we have to pay the users," said Gates. He added, "Besides, it's unlikely there are any credit balances anyway. That game is just about impossible to win."
Source:http://incolor.inebraska.com/jtamdor/myhumor.htm
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