Actual Windows Beer?
http://www.times.spb.ru/archive/times/515/news/b_windows.htm
Here's the scoop; around the net there are many contributors to the "If Operating Systems were Beers" list, and many beers on this list. The original list only had about 7 or 8 beers listed. I have compiled some new descriptions together, and where this is the case, I will have marked the listing with a
~ symbol. Some of them I created or added to while compiling this list. Where that is the case, I will have marked those with a
^ symbol. In addition, I have seperated the beers into five categories.
-Stale Beer- is full of outdated and deprecated beers.
-Windows 9x beer- and
-NT beer- are the categories for all the varieties of windows beer after 3.1.
-Non-MS beer- is for beer that doesn't fit in the Windows Category, and
-Unix-flavored Beer- is for *nix varieties. Enjoy the beer! DRINK LINUX! FREE BEER!
-Stale Beer-
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in 8 oz. can, but later in a 16 oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Although discontinued, a lot of people keep on drinking it.
~VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it, and now very few people even knew it existed. No longer sold commercially in any great quantity. Some older consumers have a stockpile of this now obsolete but once very popular brew and limited supplies can apparently still be obtained. For many years a competitor against UNIX Beer, it ultimately lost out against Windows Beer and most VMS Beer enthusiasts are reduced to consuming VMS-type Beer which lacks the bite of the original. A Lite version existed in the form of DECMate Beer.
MVS Beer:
Only comes in half-barrels. For serious drinkers only. Can only be drunk from plastic cups. Barrel never explodes but requires experienced technician to tap. It's a very expensive brew but worth the added cost. Many younger drinkers find the taste dated but experienced drinkers enjoy the robust, full-bodied flavor. Only available from an exclusive distributor network.
Macintosh Classic (Ye Olde Mac Beer):
At first came only in a 16 oz. can, but now comes in a 32 oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients are not listed on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients you are told that "you don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to toss your empties in the trashcan. The latest version of Mac Beer comes in a can with two tops and you can get Mac Beer or Windows Beer from the same can. However, you will need the latest Mac fridge to keep it in.
PRIMOS Beer:
An obscure historical beer which never really took off except at colleges which could not afford UNIX Beer or VMS Beer. Cheap, but not very satisfying except among a hard-core of consumers, it quickly vanished into obscurity.
CPM Beer
An early beer which required the consumer to hold onto two small opened cans and drink from the cans alternately. Despite the small capacity, each can took a long time to drink. Similar early beers included BBC Beer, Apricot Beer and DECMate Beer.
OS/4000:
An "own-brand" of beer consumed by employees of its manufacturer who were once not permitted any other brand. Sold only to the manufacturer's employees, it lacked the ingredients necessary for commercial success. When competitors' beers became available within the factory, OS/4000 Beer became a minority beer against early rivals such as CPM Beer, BBC Beer, VMS Beer and SunOS brand UNIX Beer.
Classic Linux Beer: "Shell Script Variety"
Similar to Unix beer, Classic Linux beer was intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop-tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast, close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewery’s in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
~^Windows 3.1 Beer:
Was the world's most popular, but no longer made, although a few people still drink it. Comes in a 16 oz. can which looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires you to already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it, even if you didn't shake it. This explosion trend remains consistant throughout the more modern Windows Beers, and seems to be the trademark that has made these beers what they are today.
~^OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32 oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims over 10 million six-packs have been sold. Finally discontinued production when the company realized that not changing the recipe of the beer for years left it tasting a bit stale. Some die-hard drinkers have grouped to form the TeamOS/2 beer club. This was done in order to bring OS/2's new flavour WARP ("What a remarkable pilsner") to the drinking people.
~Amiga Beer:
Amiga Beer is not unlike Unix Beer. No longer brewed commercially, the recipe is kept alive by enthusiasts; (having been picked up by some weird German company) therefore now this beer will be an import. The container is no longer manufactured and must be bolted together from old sawn-up cans. It is enjoyed by beer preservation enthusiasts who consider it a safer brew than any of the new-fangled Windows Beers. Many Amiga Beer drinkers would to Linux Beer except that they've already invested time in sawing up old cans to make new containers for their Amiga Beers. This beer never really sold very well supposedly because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like the Unix Beers listed below, Amiga Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. A new, updated recipe for this beer has been promised for years, and pictures of the can have been seen, but actual beer has yet to be produced in any large quantity.
Netware Beer:
Most drinkers agree this beer went downhill after version 3.12.
~^BeOS Beer:
Designed as a replacement to Mac beer, but the Mac brewery preferred another less complicated recipe and decided to redesign the can instead to convince people to start drinking beer. BeOS has developed a real flavor of its own. It comes in a single 64 oz. can but you can only pour it into a glass 500 ml large, or it won't pour out of the can. People who try Beos Beer are impressed at its taste, unlike any other beer they've had. The pop-tops rarely if ever break off, the can never explodes (even when you shake it!), the can opens fast, and goes down smooth. An excellent choice, if you can find a distributor who still sells it...
Windows 2000 Pre-Release Hype Beer:
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. If this beer is like any other Windows beer, it will be laden with bacteria that will allow other people to drink your beer. You must remove these yourself with Packs of new ingredients from the manufacturer.
-Windows 9x Beer-
~^Windows 95 Beer:
When first introduced it was claimed to be quite wonderful, however many people say it doesn't taste much different to Windows 3.1 Beer, it just gives you a bigger headache and explodes more often. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32 oz. cans but when you look inside the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that it is an entirely new brew. In an attempt to out-do Mac beer, a reminder was absentmindedly printed on each can to toss your empties in the Recycle bin, instead of the trashcan. Also now discontinued, with a few people still drinking it. Replaced by the nearly identical Windows 98 beer, and then again by Windows Me beer - all forms still have their drinkers despite all having been discontinued.
~Windows 98 Beer:
The world's most popular. Brewed as a new improved version of Windows 95 Beer, it tastes the same but comes in different packaging. The manufacturer has removed some of the old Windows 95 ingredients which caused consumers to have headaches, and have added new ingredients (mostly stabilizers) which cause new and improved headaches for people who didn't previously have headaches. It is bundled unremovably with Internet Explorer Ale. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Was recently supposed to be discontinued, but due to its popularity it will continue to be manufactured indefinitely. Brewed as a new improved version of Windows 95 Beer, it tastes the same but comes in different packaging. At the time of its release, most consumers were skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and continued to drink Windows95 beer because they had acquired the taste for it.
Windows 98 Beer "Second Edition":
The only known differences between this and Windows 98 beer is a lighter wallet, larger can, and newer IE-extra pack (responsible for larger can). All the 1999/2000 drinking party fixes that this comes with are available for free at MS liquor kiosks around the world (as is the new IE-extra pack). This has also been responsible for some power drinkers to switch to stronger brews.
~Windows ME Beer:
Home Brew beer. Like Windows 2000 Beer, only weaker and still with ingredients from DOS beer. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 98 Beer, although the can is a tad spiffier. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 98 Beer until their friends try Windows ME Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in Windows 98 beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Has a tendency to freeze. People routinely drink Windows ME Beer faster than it was originally designed to be, and the can explodes in peoples' faces.
-NT Beers-
Windows NT 3.51 Beer:
Came in 32-oz. cans, but you could only buy it by the truckload. This caused most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looked just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promised to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer - after Windows 95 Beer started shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows NT 4.0 Beer:
Looks like Windows 95 Beer but still tastes like Windows NT 3.51 Beer. Many of the ingredients are the same and still requires larger refrigerators, although the cans fit a bit better. Cans inside cheaper refrigerators randomly explode, often taking out all other items in the fridge. Still drunk by fans in larger bars, only because they can't justify the cost to buy a six-pack of Windows 2000 beer.
~Windows 2000 Beer:
Known as NT-Lite, it is an industrial strength beer adapted for the individual consumer who wants the advantages of NT but without having to go out to crowded bars. Comes in a reshapened and bulkier 32-oz can but still contains only 16-oz of beer, reminiscent Windows ME Beer, however cans can now be bought individually and contain no DOS Beer ingredients. Took a long time to complete the recipe, takes a long time to brew. The Ringpull is new too. You can buy one can of Beer and share it with your buddies. The product is considerably more shelf-stable than Windows 95, 98, or ME Beer. It supposedly won't blow up, but if it thinks its going to, it'll tell you first. Most people will wait until the first recipe update before they start drinking it. Licenses to drink this beer are expensive. Will soon come in 64-oz cans. 128-oz cans were dropped. Was originally supposed to replace Windows 95 and 98 Beer in stores, but ended up being primarily sold for bars and industrial applications. Manufacturer claims it's a good way to get drunk at home as well as the bar, even if it's not done yet. People who have tried it are annoyed with how the can will not work with existing drinking addons, as well as the tendency for the cans to self-open in the non-drinking areas. Brewers have distributed Windows 2000 beer which is not fully fermented with the promise of replacing it once it fully ferments.
~Windows XP Home Beer: "6-pack Edition"
It has bright packaging with child-friendly soft edges and it claims to integrate all the advantages of Windows 2000 Beer with all the advantages of those snacks which normally accompany Windows Beers. Touted to be the perfect replacement for both Windows Me beer and Windows 2000 beer. New flashy can, new flavour (allegedly). Some drinkers claim it's not so much a Beer as an alco-pop or alcoholic soft drink. Supposed to be low in calories but drink it enough and you'll get a gut. Comes in 32-ounce cans(which have a tendency to leak), although the manufacturer has promised to offer 64-ounce cans as well. Contains the same ingredients as Windows 2000 Beer, but is even sweeter than Windows ME Beer. It has bright packaging with child-friendly soft edges and it claims to integrate all the advantages of Windows 2000 Beer with all the advantages of those snacks which normally accompany Windows Beers. In order to open it you have to phone the brewery who will send you a ring for the ring-pull, as you are required to validate your can of beer by phone before you are allowed to drink it. Its can looks a lot like Mac OS X Beer’s if you squint, but the bizarre colorful can design has brought a fair share of detractors, who laugh too hard to drink it. Some say that the product is simply Bob Beer, a failure from years ago, with a new name. Has rapidly become the most popular beer, primarily through monopolization of grocery space. Appealing to new consumers who like a sugary beer that talks back, but is highly irritating to older Windows Beer consumers.
^Windows XP Pro Beer: "Bar Tap Edition"
Served in 32 or 64 oz bar glasses, this beer looks and tastes exactly like XP Home beer. The few differences are, however, you don't need to call in to order the pull-tab ring before you can drink it, and you can pour it into different beer glasses also without having to notify the brewery.
-Non MS Beers-
~Mac OS X Beer:
A completely re-brewed beer, MacOSX Beer comes in flashy cans of 32 or 64 ounces(depending on who you ask) that is curvy and ergonomic and available in stylish blue or silver. Comes in both cans and kegs and can be drunk both at home and at the bar. The recipe is based on UNIX Beer although the brewer has removed all the impurities that make UNIX Beer sometimes taste foul, and formulated it to taste like older varieties of Mac Beer (now called Mac Classic Beer). Contains an additional vial of Mac Classic beer, for compatibility with older Mac beer drinkers. Containers never explode but require updated refrigerators to keep the beer tasting good. Users report liking the beer instantly. Unlike regular MacOS Beer, MacOSX Beer includes the ingredient listing, but you have to page through several layers of labels before finding it. Still requires you to drag your empties to the Trash can. Everyone who tries it claims it’s wonderful. Mac OS X Beer is very easy to drink, and very shelf-stable, but has a single-digit market share. The cans are made of opaque plastic and come in a variety of aesthetically pleasing colours, though most people feel its the flavour of the Beer, and not its container thats important. Fans of this beer are often seen stumbling from the bar, a can in each hand, singing praises to the brewer with a large grin on their intoxicated faces. The only complaint about the beer is that newer versions are pricey, but the brewer calms the complaints with more curvy labels and fancy new pop-tabs.
GNU Open Beer:
Unlike all other beers, this beer is available in a free-flowing fashion.
All an operator need do is install their own tap of whatever size they
happen to have available. Multiple taps may be installed at any location,
each dynamically user configurable to provide any class of beer, stout or
ale of their choice.
-Unix-flavored beers-
~*NIX-type Beers:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of *NIX Beers display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking *NIX Beers for several years. These brews have generally only been available by the keg under strict direct distribution from one of a select few breweries. Their specific qualities have been known to vary from distribution to distribution. While it has been quite popular among the educational elite, several small scale wars have ensued when differing kegs have been known to flare up at fraternity parties.
Unix Beer:
This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavours and (often unpronounceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.
~Linux Beer:
A mass-market version of Unix beer enjoyed by those who find Windows Beer indigestible. Homebrewed by hundreds (if not thousands) of home brewers around the world, coordinated by a Swedish-speaking Finn who just didn't like the beers that he could get commercially and who decided to take a crack at brewing on his own. Lighter than the traditional Unix brew, it may look unimpressive but is stronger and cheaper than Windows Beers. Is catching on because it stays free from harmful viruses for longer. Just one brand, in 32 oz. and reportedly 64 oz. cans, but each distributor changes the can and fiddles with the contents just a bit. Comes with full instructions on how the beer was made, including a full set of brewing tools and containers for brewing your own version of Linux Beer. While the distributors make it easy for you to find and consume Linux Beer for a price much cheaper than any version of Windows Beer, if you want to do some work you can hunt it out and find one of those thousands of beer brewers who'll be happy to give it to you for nothing. Has a penguin logo showing that it's cool to drink Linux Beer rather than eccentric. Many bars are starting to provide this as an 'all you can drink' alternative to other beers, increasing it's popularity. Can be drunk from a very plain metal can that requires a can opener to make a hole in to drink from, or can be drunk from an "XCan" that looks similar to but different from a Windows Beer can. This beer is considered the poster-beer for the "Free beer, Open Brewing." movement.
Linux-Slackware beer: "Slurpware"
A package of three unmarked baggies containing seeds, yeast and a sheet of instructions in Braile. The seeds are very cheap, easy to reproduce, and can be passed around freely. The instructions, if followed correctly, yield an spectacular quality beer, and allowable variations allow you to use the same ingredients to make everything from a Guinness-style dark beer, a superb India Pale Ale, or anything in between. Though it has a higher alcohol content than any of the Windows beers, its drinkers crash into walls less often, and the cans are reinforced.
Linux-Red Hat beer: "RedNose"
Similar to Slackware beer, except the instructions are printed normally,
and the brewing method is slightly different. Because of its even-higher
alcohol content, it's a favourite amongst heavy drinkers. Frequently
imitated and copied, but only *official* Red Hat beer includes
partially-grown plants as well as seeds, and a nifty drinking straw with each can.
Linux-Debian beer:
Similar too, but uses a slightly different brewing method from any of the
other beers, to give it more of a GNU beer taste. It's a favorite of beer
[strike]snobs[/strike] conoisseurs.
Linux-SuSE beer:
Similar to Red Hat beer, but meets all applicable Bavarian purity codes.
Purchasers must prove they own a pair of leiderhosen.
Linux-Caldera beer:
Because it's a special de-alcoholized brew (this is Utah, after all),
Caldera OpenBeer is a favourite amongst those who must operate an OS
before driving. It uses much the same basic ingredients as Red Hat, but
the recipe is a little smoother. Sold through a network of beermeisters
who will grow the hops and grain for drinkers who can't be bothered to do
it themselves.
^Linux-Corel beer:
The Canadian alternative, this non-alcoholic beer is actually served in high-schools. Its easy-open can lends a false sense of security, however, as after you are finished with the first Corel beer, the next Corel beer will not be as easy to open. Corel's brewery allows and endorses it's drinkers to pour the beer into empty Windows beer cans, if for some reason, they prefer drinking out of those cans. Corel cans also fit into the plastic rings designed for Windows 6-packs.
^Linux-Knoppix beer:
Oddly enough, this beer, though tasting remarkably like regular 32oz beers, only comes in 40 oz bottles. As soon as it touches a can, the beer becomes undrinkable. Even more strange, the 40 oz bottles, like Corel's cans, also fit into the plastic rings designed for Windows 6-packs. What's worse, if you have any Windows 6-packs in your fridge, the 40 oz bottle of Knoppix beer will mysteriously fit itself into the nearest plastic ring in that group, even if it's on a different shelf.
I saved the best for last. ;p
Okay, I have one more request. If any of you searches the internet for any of these beers and happens to find a page where they speak of the Manufacturer/Brewer of the Windows beers... (Except instead of calling them Microsoft, they call them by their "Brewer Name"...) Please reply and post that Brewer name, and possibly the link to the site that mentioned it. Thanks. (I found it once but can't find it anymore. I don't feel like searching anymore either.) :p
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